Exercise Program

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Exercise program

I tried it, I liked it, you will too!!
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

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NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have glass of wine.

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This was written by a black gentleman in Texas , and is so funny. What a great sense of humour and creativity!!!
When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.

NOW, You 'white' folks....
When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all callin'
COLOURED folks!

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SEX

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
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Church
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

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Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

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Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick. The moral of the story - Pay your bills.

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Poetry Contest..
THE NATIONAL POETRY CONTEST HAD COME DOWN TO TWO FINALISTS, A YALE GRADUATE AND A TEXAS REDNECK. THEY WERE GIVEN A WORD, THEN ALLOWED TWO MINUTES TO STUDY THE WORD AND COME UP WITH A POEM THAT CONTAINED THE WORD.
THE WORD THEY WERE GIVEN WAS TIMBUKTU .
FIRST TO RECITE HIS POEM WAS THE YALE GRADUATE. HE STEPPED TO THE MICROPHONE AND SAID:
"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND,
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO,
DESTINATION: TIMBUKTU ."
THE CROWD WENT CRAZY! NO WAY COULD THE REDNECK TOP THAT THEY THOUGHT AS THE REDNECK CALMLY MADE HIS WAY TO THE MICROPHONE AND RECITED:
"ME AND TIM, A' HUNTIN' WE WENT.
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO.
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU ."
THE REDNECK WON HANDS DOWN

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School Hours


A small boy is walking slowly to school. "Hurry up! You'll be late!" shouts his mother. "There's no rush," he replies. "They're open till three-thirty."

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A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke,
"If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny grew up in the city, and went to visit his Uncle Joe on the farm.
For the first few days, his uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc.
After three days, however, it was obvious that Little Johnny was getting bored, and his uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, Uncle Joe had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"
This seemed to cheer Little Johnny up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, Little Johnny returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked Uncle Joe.
"It was great!" exclaimed Little Johnny. "Got any more dogs?"

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How to use Your Income Tax refund...
As you may have heard, each of us will be getting a tax rebate to
help stimulate the economy.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase
a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruits and
vegetables it will go to Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a
good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless stuff it will
go to Taiwan and none of it will help the Canadian economy.
We need to keep that money here in Canada. The only way to keep
that money here at home is to spend it at Yard Sales , since those
are the only businesses left owned by Canadians !!

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For all of us who are---seniors---for all of you who
> know seniors---and for All of you who will be seniors. It pays
> to be able to laugh about it when You are! And, Speaking of
> Senior Moments: 'WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?' The irate customer
> calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know
> where her Sunday edition was. 'Ma'am,' said the newspaper
> employee, 'today is Saturday ... The Sunday paper is not
> delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.'
>
> There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone,
> followed by a Ray of recognition.... As she was heard to mutter
> 'Well, shit ... So that's Why no one was at church today..'