The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

[*FUO*-*InSiN*]

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What
the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[*FUO*-*InSiN*]

blow up doll

A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'

Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?

Customer says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.

[*FUO*-*InSiN*]

THE HALF-WIT

A man owned a small farm in West Virginia.

The West Virginia Wage & Hour Department claimed
he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an
agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees
and their wages," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "There's my farm hand who's been with me
for 3 years. I pay him $200.00 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150.00 a week
plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does
about 90% of all the work. He makes $10.00 per week, pays his
own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday
night. He also sleeps with my wife on occasion."

"That's the guy I want to talk to--the
half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

[*FUO*-*InSiN*]

I.D.P. Day.

International Disadvantaged People's Day
Today is International Disadvantaged People's Day.
Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend,
just as I've done.(To all my "FUO" Friends!! lol)

I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals,
vote liberal or occasionally shit yourself.......
You hang in there sunshine, you're freaking special...

[*FUO*-*InSiN*]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee

[*FUO*-*InSiN*]

Bacardi Breezersssssssssss....


Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful
and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the
Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee,
so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with
so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend
however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to
ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the
girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent
wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!'
That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her ass that said.....'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

[*FUO*-*InSiN*]

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

GOD BLESS AMERICA